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my journal. my diary. my thoughts. my ideas. my dreams. my experiences. my fears. my wants. my needs. my desires. my life. me.
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1.05.2002
just found out i'm supposed to be all 'buddy buddy' again with tara. fine. whatever. but it was christy who was supposed to put her in her place. argh. i hate it when people tell you not to do something -- and then they do it themselves -- screwing you over. but hey, its normal for me to be screwed over.
i've over the anger - i'm on to the depressed pity me stage. this one is a lot less demanding... anyways, my mom can in to tell me that carl 'is feeling better and should be at the party' so there is a chance that he wont be there. god, i dont know. i'm happy but i'm upset. i dont even know. i look like shit at the moment -- i'm all broken out[which is reaaally unusual for me]. so yeah, i'm not in one of my better moods.
bored as hell today, watched contact to calm me down. it worked for a while. i absolutely adore that movie. and i realized that if you dont like that movie then you are not a person i could relate too. because damn, i love it. it makes me think[and understand] people. and i just love the character *ellie,* she's portrayed as a hero in the movie and an weak one in the book, so its better to look at her from that angle
well, thats about it.. i'll update you all on the 'carl' crap tomorrow when i get home. in less then 40 hours i'll be 'in' school.... argh...
my horoscope[i was typing it in wrong..]
Your friends are not likely to understand your needs. You are best not to discuss your personal life with others. Be careful not to let yourself get run down.
thats good because i didn't feel like telling anyone anything, so the pretending starts all over again. its easier to pretend your ok then accept that you are lost. but it doesn't matter anyways because i'm too far gone to be run down anyways....
ramble.d b.y Annika at 7:54 PM
1.04.2002
yes. being over at christy's was great. i'm back and life is hell all over again. god. today was the best and worst day of my life. i dont even want to talk about it. *sighs* yeah. saw lord of the rings again -- i loved it again. i noticed a lot of new things.. mmhmm.. 2 days left before i go back. god, i dont want to go back to school. tomorrow i want to shop, but tara still won't be back, and christy has the wedding.... and sunday i'm going to skye's bday party[she's turning one] and i'm going to see carl. whoopie. i was looking forward to that, but i know that its just going to bring me heart ache and unnessisary pain.
stupid hostyard is doing a switch-a-roo on me, so i have to go change all this shit. damnit. i don't need this right now. and for the first time at my earthlink email account i got porn. my life is improving.. no? smarterchild[computer bot] isn't even fucking online -- so i can't get my damn horoscope. it really is getting better by the minute. oh, and that reminds me right now kaeli is probably cuddling with matt. i missed out on the bonfire. oooh joy. somebody remind me why i'm still breathing? [and dont any of you feed me that 'your life ain't so bad' shit cuz you dont know what i've been through today. thank you and shut the fuck up.] ahem.
i leave you with this [because aim is a mother fucker and probably shut smarterchild down -- son of a bitch. so therefore i cannot get my horoscope.]:
i do believe that not everything is gonna be the way you think it ought to be. -- sheryl crow, i shall believe
oh -- just in. my email to hippo didn't go through. YIPEE. god damn it. i'm really pissed off...
ramble.d b.y Annika at 8:00 PM
1.02.2002
what is the fun in fucking with 'ex's?' .. well, i would tell you that its the fact that you need to settle the damn score. and i plan on settling it. oh yes, i do. chad is going to wish that he never asked me to fill out that form [of which i pushed him to send to me.. he doesn't know that thou] but thats fine. chad can go and think that i'm once again wrapped around his fingers, but this time, he's gonna get burned. cuz i'm fire baby. *smirks* and the fact that i now have brad on my side, helps a whole hell of a lot. haha.
well, i've been messing with my friends about this little 'online quiz' .. finding out about peoples sex lives is rather amusing... and then this whole chad/brad business all over again has had me quiet busy. its OH SO ENTERTAINING. i want to burn that son of a bitch chad too. speaking of which i just found phillips number.. oh.. revenge is so very sweet.
ok, i'm handling that rage -- really i am. i'm calm now. truly. 'shawn' is going to talk to me about this name game he's been playing. i'm prepared to call him another name, just another one of his tricks. god, i wish i could trust him, but when he pulls this shit -- i never know. *sighs*
that is all for this nights 'EXTREME LAUGHTER AND ENTERTAINMENT' look out for tomorrow's episode of 'DIE CHADWICK DIE'. Thank you, and sweet dreams.
ramble.d b.y Annika at 9:03 PM
today was oh so boring. i was woken up at two by my little brother saying 'i'm sick... call mommy' .. fun stuff... yes, i was online all damn day. fanfiction is so very amusing. and there was things on the television that kept my interest for a while. been listening to 'walk on' by u2 all day. bonnie should be proud. [laughs]
did i mention that shawn is confusing? yes. because he is. shawn's blog is the most confusing part. yeah. its really confusing. and he's reading this and probably saying 'she's confusing.. not me' but hey, i admit it. i'm a moody-insane-rambling confuser. yes, so i think things have cooled down with him. i hope he's gonna be ok....
tomorrow is going to be promising. going to see lord of the rings [again] with christy and her older brother[he's in town for the week] and then go over to the stables. i hope i get to ride this time.. and i swear if shotz bucks, i'm going to fall off. lol. lets just hope i'm ready for the impact.
yeep. today was pretty boring. and yes. well, i can't think of anything else to put. sides my head feels like its going to fall over with all the crap thats in it. thoughts are moving in/out pretty fast. i can't keep up with them. so i've blocked them all out. very interesting.
my horoscope:
Be careful where you leave your possessions or cash. Loss due to theft or misplacement will cause frustration and upset. Don't believe everything that youngsters tell you.
lol. verrrrry interesting there. glad i didn't leave the house. haha. *ahem*
ramble.d b.y Annika at 6:14 PM
all i've gotta say is.. what i was afraid of ... happened. i know he's gonna be reading this -- so i will try and not leave out things. i dont know why or how or even what is wrong with me, but i have always felt that shawn would be there. and with that i think i've become arrogant. i am afraid that i put him through this ... and that .. i did it on purpose. does that make sense? because i'm starting to think that it doesn't...
its just that, in real life -- there are guys in my life. suure. andre. tyler. jason. chad. phillip. matt. greek matt. those are just the ones that well, stand out at one in the morning. and i mean, none of them have ever -- made me wonder like i do about shawn. its like he's this huge [oh god...] book. and like, no matter how many times i read it -- there are always things i miss, there are always new things to find, and there are always things i love, and things i hate -- and i'm just SICK AND TIRED of doing this same song and dance over and over and over again.
he likes me -- he hates me -- he loves me -- he denies me -- he wants me -- he wants her -- he needs me -- he abuses me. i could go on for hours. its just such a great feeling -- to be wanted by this incredible person. to be thought of the way he thinks of me. and i know that i was leading him to thinking it would work. but something inside of me was screaming 'no!' .. and that side finally won me over, and i just had to fuck it all up.
i always talk about how he used me. about how he lead me to believe these things that were false. but look at me. look at me filling his fantasies, showing him i'm there for him, telling him that i'm jealous. i might be, and i do care but still. i have no right to do this to him. his intentions were to love me -- not break my heart. and mine -- well, i dont know anymore.
i feel like shit. and i wish that i didn't hurt him. i wish it so much. and i'm afraid that i will continue to do this, and i really and truly dont want to and dont mean to. but it feels so right when i'm with him. it feels like i can .. and that everything will be fine... but its time that i realize i'm hurting people with my short happiness.
by the stars, i curse my pain.
ramble.d b.y Annika at 1:39 AM
1.01.2002
well -- i went to my great grandma's -- woke up at 4 a.m. to go to the parade -- slept until the fighter jets went over [mumbles something about being annoyed] and then watched the parade -- went home. my mom/me raced my dad/brother home. lol, we lost by about 1 minute, it sucked. we were going 75 on the freeway too. argh.
updates on random events:
- yelled at heather. haven't talked to her since
- christy is acting very strange
- never found out about kaeli's phone call with matt
- watched roswell - loved it, sides the fact that it didn't show enough liz/michael
and thats about it -- i'm going to go read fanfiction until i can't see the screen and that's the end of that. life's pretty god damn boring again. and i can't stop thinking about the black shirt andre was wearing on the last day of school.. and the way he looked at me during his 'session.' god damn it.
my horoscope:
Changes in your home environment are likely. Try to be patient and understanding. Don't let your health suffer because of excessive worry. Talk to someone you can trust.
someone i trust? this thing is the only thing i trust anymore.
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